I think it is so funny how God times things..... My sisters kept urging me to start a blog and I kept blowing them off....three months I did this. I don't really know why. I had the best news to share but I felt so guarded. It was the voice that we all have and it speaks to us often but we all have the great ability to ignore it. That whisper from God, that gift he has given you.
Sooo...one night I am at my sister Kristi's house (Blog queen sister #2) and thought....having my sister's help.....I can get my blog started. I LOVE the thought of having our journey to Lincoln in print for him one day. Well, as you see, we worked on it...I went home and worked on it and I finally made my first post.
When I wrote my first post....(of all things.....on PEACE)....I never dreamed how much I would have to rely on my own words just a few days later. When I say a few days....I mean I wrote the post on Friday and Sunday....everything changed.
I have learned that an adoption is a lot like pregnancy......I have to admit.....I have never had a miscarriage....I have been pregnant twice....and both pregnancies were planned and I got pregnant right away. I have never experienced that loss. Those couples that wait an entire trimester to tell people they are pregnant.....I always thought were being a little over the top. I mean...I got a positive test and it was a celebration! I would make sure the hubby got the news first and then I told my whole world. Well, lets just say.....I would probably rethink that now. Suddenly...in a moment....my most favorite topic....Lincoln.....was my most dreaded. My fake smile and a quick answer was about all I could muster for the moment I was stuck in conversation with whoever it was. I kept thinking to myself....if I hadn't been so excited and shared our great news then I could deal with this on my own...with my family...
You plan for a child. You prepare your children for that child. They draw him pictures to send in care packages. They pray for him every night. You picture him in your home, with your family and loving him forever. You prepare by reading toddler adoption books.....you yearn to touch that little face in those video's you have of him. You see him TINY and sad in pictures. You imagine....no matter how hard it is.....you are going to make that boy smile. You see him dirty and has on girl clothes that are too big......and you can't wait to give him a bath and put the cutest outfit on him. You imagine what he will think about his new world and what your other children will think of him. You picture all the future holiday's with this face and it fits....and you know it was sent from God straight to you and you rejoice in his favor on your life......and THEN......it changes.
I suddenly feel the breath leave my body and I know it will be a long time before I can breath again. I can't get into much detail.....because this is ongoing....but our adoption has hit another glitch. I got a much dreaded email from our director on the 17th and I have been holding my breath ever since. I really don't know when it will be resolved. I read the email by myself and could hear my hubby playing with the kids in the other room and I had this crazy peace.....I feel like I am living a movie I have already seen. I feel like I KNOW the outcome but I have ZERO control of the situation. When it comes to my children....I like to remain in control.....and having one child that lives across the world and NOT having control over any facet of his life is a lesson in patience and faith. I have come to the resolution that I HAVE to come up for air. I know my God has a plan for our lives. I am comfortable with the pain if it is keeping me on the path that God has laid before me. I know that our Lincoln is already ours and God decided that a long time ago. Now finding that path to him.....still isn't clear but I know it will come when God decides it will.
SOOOO.... I know you are wondering what in the world has happened.....I wish I could get into it but it is still very sensitive and I don't want to jeopardize anything. I will tell you.....I am SO blessed by CCI and Sue. God truly gifted me with them. I have all the trust in the world in them and I can't imagine going through this with any other agency. I know that a lot of the peace I feel is from the confidence I have in them.