Thursday, October 28, 2010

I may stumble but I won't fall...

I think it is so funny how God times things.....  My sisters kept urging me to start a blog and I kept blowing them off....three months I did this.  I don't really know why.  I had the best news to share but I felt so guarded.  It was the voice that we all have and it speaks to us often but we all have the great ability to ignore it.  That whisper from God, that gift he has given you. night I am at my sister Kristi's house (Blog queen sister #2) and thought....having my sister's help.....I can get my blog started.  I LOVE the thought of having our journey to Lincoln in print for him one day.  Well, as you see, we worked on it...I went home and worked on it and I finally made my first post.

When I wrote my first post....(of all things.....on PEACE)....I never dreamed how much I would have to rely on my own words just a few days later.  When I say a few days....I mean I wrote the post on Friday and Sunday....everything changed.

I have learned that an adoption is a lot like pregnancy......I have to admit.....I have never had a miscarriage....I have been pregnant twice....and both pregnancies were planned and I got pregnant right away.  I have never experienced that loss.  Those couples that wait an entire trimester to tell people they are pregnant.....I always thought were being a little over the top.  I mean...I got a positive test and it was a celebration!  I would make sure the hubby got the news first and then I told my whole world.  Well, lets just say.....I would probably rethink that now. a most favorite topic....Lincoln.....was my most dreaded.  My fake smile and a quick answer was about all I could muster for the moment I was stuck in conversation with whoever it was.  I kept thinking to myself....if I hadn't been so excited and shared our great news then I could deal with this on my own...with my family...

You plan for a child.  You prepare your children for that child.  They draw him pictures to send in care packages.  They pray for him every night.  You picture him in your home, with your family and loving him forever.  You prepare by reading toddler adoption yearn to touch that little face in those video's you have of him.  You see him TINY and sad in pictures.  You matter how hard it are going to make that boy smile.  You see him dirty and has on girl clothes that are too big......and you can't wait to give him a bath and put the cutest outfit on him.  You imagine what he will think about his new world and what your other children will think of him.  You picture all the future holiday's with this face and it fits....and you know it was sent from God straight to you and you rejoice in his favor on your life......and changes. 

I suddenly feel the breath leave my body and I know it will be a long time before I can breath again.  I can't get into much detail.....because this is ongoing....but our adoption has hit another glitch.  I got a much dreaded email from our director on the 17th and I have been holding my breath ever since.  I really don't know when it will be resolved.  I read the email by myself and could hear my hubby playing with the kids in the other room and I had this crazy peace.....I feel like I am living a movie I have already seen.  I feel like I KNOW the outcome but I have ZERO control of the situation.  When it comes to my children....I like to remain in control.....and having one child that lives across the world and NOT having control over any facet of his life is a lesson in patience and faith.  I have come to the resolution that I HAVE to come up for air.  I know my God has a plan for our lives.  I am comfortable with the pain if it is keeping me on the path that God has laid before me. I know that our Lincoln is already ours and God decided that a long time ago.  Now finding that path to him.....still isn't clear but I know it will come when God decides it will. 

SOOOO.... I know you are wondering what in the world has happened.....I wish I could get into it but it is still very sensitive and I don't want to jeopardize anything.  I will tell you.....I am SO blessed by CCI and Sue.  God truly gifted me with them.  I have all the trust in the world in them and I can't imagine going through this with any other agency.  I know that a lot of the peace I feel is from the confidence I have in them.   



Friday, October 15, 2010

Finding Peace! is official.  I have made the jump into blog world.  I went back and forth on this for months.  I never realized how vulnerable it could make you feel to put yourself out there.  I came to the conclusion that this entire journey is not about "me".  It is Lincoln's story and I want him to be able to look back on this journey one day and know how much we loved him...even before we ever knew him.  I want him to know that we have been praying for him for years....not kidding.....YEARS.  Our journey to get to this point has been long.  It has been long but it is as if I have been living a screenplay that I have already watched.  I know it sounds crazy but I have had this incredible sense of peace throughout this whole process.  Peace that can only come from God.

Peace came when I told my husband that I wanted to jump in and adopt a third child.....AND...... he looked at me like I was crazy.  It was as if I knew this was temporary and he would be on the same page as I was.  This voice said to me...."I've got this....don't beg.....don't bug him.....his heart will change."......So, I waited.  I knew that if it was God putting this in my heart, he would work it out.  Total Peace....and then.... I will never forget the day I was standing in our kitchen and the hubby walked in and said..."I think we should adopt.  I know this is what we are supposed to order for us to do this, we are going to have to adjust our lifestyle."  I said, "ok....I will adjust anything!"  So....we sold our house!  Money wasn't going to fall out of the sky, so we had to find it and finding it meant sacrifice.  It seems absurd that our version of sacrifice is downsizing square footage when our future child doesn't have A square foot!!!  Our family totally "got it".....but our friends thought we were crazy.  I knew all along that God was leading us.....How?......because everything just worked out.  In the worst housing market in history....our house sold for 4k less than asking in 30 days and we sold it "by owner".  Peace....people!

Peace came with each road block along the way......Not kidding......we sold our house in April 2009.....and Officially signed on with CCI in July of 2010.  Throughout this time....we were preparing for the process and it wasn't easy.  We would get going and WHAM....road block..... knock that one down....and WHAM....another one.....over and over it went this way.  My friends and sisters would say, "aren't you going crazy?"  and each time I would say, " I know that God is in total control....if we are hitting road means that our Lincoln is not born.....or is not ready for us to adopt him, yet.".....I waited.....Peace!

I think John 14:27 pretty much sums up the last year and a half......

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

I will post about how we got to our Lincoln in future posts, but for now.... if you are struggling with obstacles that are hindering your adoption dreams....  Know that when you are doing something that seems impossible, God's peace will be with you if you are acting in his will.  Take a deep breath and relax in the fact that God has "got this"....and soon you will have these to smooch on!